*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
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I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
me
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*