Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
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ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.