Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
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“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
This could be us… but you playing
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines