Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
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Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Hotels are back
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
And then there were 4
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.