Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
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Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling