My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
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my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet