God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
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wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Cheer up.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned