[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
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Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Blew my mind.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I’m putting together a team