they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
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Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha