My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
#oldknees
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.