morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
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“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Venn
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.