I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
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A dead goose is called a ghoost
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!