Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
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Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.