*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
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cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.