I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
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I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
My dad is at it again
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
worst…sale…ever
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda