CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
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Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
This is what makes twitter great
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra