When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
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my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
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Just take a day off
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
so this horse walks into a bar
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.