Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
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Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.