My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
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I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Tastes like chicken.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.