Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
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There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Lmfaoooooo
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes