A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
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“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.