Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”