Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
You Might Also Like
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I love the honesty
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
wtf management?!
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Get off my horse you stupid moon
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?