Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
You Might Also Like
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account