This is my emotional support chloroform rag
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A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Not helping
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
FRED: right
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.