Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
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it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this