17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
consequences, the bane of my existence
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh