Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
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If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
My birthstone is kidney
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing