Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
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They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I want to meet the individual who made this
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed