Just say no
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I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist