My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
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“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit