Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
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Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Lmao