why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
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Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.