interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
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My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is