You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
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If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
This did not end as expected.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.