Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
You Might Also Like
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.