me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
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Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore