Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
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They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
*looks at you in batman voice*
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”