I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
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“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Potatoes were such a good idea
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.