Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
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Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
This came to me in a dream.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.