If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.