Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
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my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.