Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
You Might Also Like
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
$3 #books
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club