During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
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Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Your honor these allegations are
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?