If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
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I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Only short people can save us
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.