people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
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Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.