Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
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[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
men are simple creatures
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Y’all ready for this
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.