I have a new favorite meme page
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I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.