Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
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My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop