Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
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Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Well, that should do it
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness